38.5 Weeks and Baby thoughts

 I am 38 weeks and 5 days 

and I can hardly believe it 

I feel like at some points pregnancy goes so slow 

and then all of a sudden you are at the end home stretch 

This is when it starts to feel REAL 

 When I was pregnant with Maddux I wasn't scared at all

about having him or what it would be like to have him here

I don't know if its just cuz he was our first, because I 

had never been through it before or just being naive new parents 

And I don't know what it is about this time around but I am terrified

Don't get me wrong I am soooooooo excited and can't 

wait to hold my sweet newborn little boy and look him 

in the eyes for the first time but boy do I have some fears 

First let me start off by saying we are going to be induced on Monday

August 20th, yes that is 2 days away eeeekkk

that is a week before my due date

I have had some people support me in this and others 

try to tell me it isn't worth it but ultimately 

Ty and I decided it is right for us and that 

the doctor wouldn't have offered if it wasn't safe and healthy 

I did have my doubts and fears but I think it was 

more just being nervous about labor and having two kids then 

actually being induced

I had an appointment today and was measuring at 3cm and 

75% effaced so this baby is getting ready and I think he would 

be coming very soon any way

so why be induced you ask?

Well Ty starts his 3rd year of law school on Wednesday and this way 

being induced on Monday he can be at the hospital with me 

the whole time without having to miss school 

otherwise I would probably go into labor while he is in school 

I am still a little nervous for me not so much the baby

I think the baby will be just fine and healthy

I have just never been induced so I am nervous to see how my body 

does and how long everything will be 

so wish me luck and pray it will all go smoothly 

So now that we have being induced out of the way

Here are some reasons why I am terrified to go through this again

1. I don't want my little Maddux to ever feel left out or sad about baby Holden

I am going to do my darn hardest to include him in everything

to get him excited about being a big brother 

and help him know how much both him and Holden mean to me

Did anyone else ever feel guilty about having another baby???

I can't seem to shake that feeling and I hate it cuz I am going to have

another little miracle I shouldn't be feeling guilty about that

 2. I am terrified of being out numbered 

now when Ty is busy and in school it is not just me and a baby

it is me, my maddux and newborn Holden

I know so many people do it and with much more children 

but I am just hoping I can do this 

3. I don't remember how to take care of a newborn

I am hoping it will just all come back to me 

but I feel like it has been so long and I honestly don't remember what it is like 

4.  I loved my experience with breastfeeding 

but this time around i am nervous because it takes time and I 

just don't know how it is all going to go down with a toddler 

that also needs my attention 

 5.. I am so nervous about labor and delivering again

haha I don't think that fear ever goes away does it?

6. I had postpartum depression with Maddux 

not just the baby blues but the real thing, being embarrassed, 

having to talk to the doctor, feeling like all I did was cry for weeks, on medication 

type of real deal. And this pregnancy I have actually already kinda 

started into it so I am really scared of going through that again.

This one is probably my biggest fear of all 

7. I just want to be a good mommy to my little boys 

and I am in constant fear that I am not being as good 

as they deserve 

Now to more happy thoughts I am so excited

I can't believe I am going to have two little boys in my life

I am already imagining him and Maddux being best buddies growing up

fighting, playing, wrestling, Holden following maddux around, 

and them both playing sports with their daddy

I feel so lucky to be able to stay home with my kids 

I can't wait to see what Holden will look like, how he will act,

what his little personality will be like and how he will interact with 

Maddux as his big brother 

I am so excited for that special moment that no 

one can put into words when you see and hold your baby for the very first time

I am excited for the moment that Maddux gets to see his little 

brother and give him a kiss for the first time 

I am excited to bring him to his home and family 

I am excited to be a mom of my two little boys 

So I am going to tell myself I can do this

That everything is going to be ok

That even though I have my fears and I worry a lot 

There are a lot more things to be excited about 

and the blessings of sweet baby Holden farly out weigh any fears I am having

I just want to be the best mommy I can be to my little boys 

I want to be what they deserve 

Any advice for me? About to take on the roll

of a mother of two? I would love all the pointers 

and tips :)

so......2 more days until I have a sweet little newborn Holden in my arms 

P.S. I am one of those people that LOVES visitors after having a baby

I don't want to be left alone that's when my depression really sets in

especially with Ty going back to school when we get home from the 

hospital so don't be shy come visit me :)